How Can I Stop Hating My Husband?

It’s a question I hear often in therapy: “How can I stop hating my husband?”

Many women in their 40s—especially after years of carrying invisible labor (kids, house, work, emotional load)—find themselves feeling resentment instead of love.

The truth is, you probably don’t hate him—you hate the patterns you’re stuck in.

Why You Might “Hate” Your Husband After Kids

In our 20s, many of us are drawn to stability: a partner who feels like safe “father material.” There’s comfort in predictability—but we also crave mystery and novelty.

In the early years of marriage, we get both. But when kids enter the picture, predictability tips into routine. Instead of mystery and play, we get logistics: Who’s doing more? Who’s picking up the kids? Who’s more tired?

That’s when resentment starts to pile up, and “hate” creeps in.

Step 1: Recognize What’s Really Happening

Resentment doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed. It means something in the relationship cycle needs repair.

From the Gottman Method, we know: the way a conversation begins predicts how it will end.

  • Criticism example: “You never help with the kids.”

  • Gentle startup: “I feel overwhelmed. Can you take bedtime tonight?”

Another game-changer is daily appreciation. Point out one small positive: “Thanks for unloading the dishwasher.” These micro-moments shift the tone of your relationship over time.

Step 2: How to Keep Desire Alive in Marriage

Resentment often grows when marriages become nothing but routine. This is where Esther Perel’s work comes in: desire thrives on novelty and play, not duty.

Create Micro-Novelties

  • Wear something new (yes, even sexy counts).

  • Plan a date in a different neighborhood or town.

  • Send a playful or flirty text instead of one about logistics.

Create Space to Rekindle Desire

  • Desire needs distance. Go on a date where kids aren’t the topic of conversation.

  • Develop your own hobbies and friendships. Independence creates energy to bring back to the relationship.

Be Playful Together

  • Playfulness interrupts resentment.

  • Notice your partner being silly with the kids—let yourself enjoy it.

  • Join in. Shared laughter is a powerful reset button.

Step 3: Try One New Thing This Week

Want a quick way to shift the energy?

Do one thing with your husband you’ve never done before. It doesn’t have to be big—order food from a place you’ve never tried, watch a new show together, or plan a 20-minute walk around a part of town you’ve never visited.

The Big Picture

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Gottman Method skills help repair bonds when resentment has piled up. Esther Perel reminds us that once repair begins, we also need to breathe life back into the relationship with novelty, curiosity, and play.

Together, these strategies can help you move from “I hate him” to “I remember why I chose him.”

FAQs About “Hating” Your Husband

Is it normal to resent your husband or partner after kids?
Yes. Many women feel resentment due to unequal household labor, loss of novelty, and exhaustion. It’s common—but repairable.

Does resentment mean the marriage is over?
Not at all. Resentment is a signal that something needs attention. With new communication habits and intentional reconnection, couples can rebuild. Starting couples therapy is the best way to learn ways to overcome resentment, improve communication, and keep the spark alive.

How can I bring back desire in my marriage?
Try small doses of novelty: a new activity, playful interaction, or a date where kids aren’t mentioned. Desire thrives on curiosity and distance.

What if I still feel like I hate him?
If resentment feels overwhelming, therapy can help you break negative cycles, rebuild trust, and learn tools to reconnect.

Victoria Krone